La Salle Professor’s Study Finds Couples Less Satisfied after Having Children Because They Don’t Use Maintenance Communication

Couples who experience less satisfaction in their marriage after having children do so because they don’t use the behaviors that make for a good relationship, according to a new study by a La Salle University Professor.

Dr. Marianne Dainton, who studies communication patterns in personal relationships, reported her findings in Communication Reports

“There has been a great deal of research that indicates that marital satisfaction declines after the birth of the first child, and never increases again until after children leave the home,” said Dainton. “The best theory as to why this happens is that the parenting role takes away from the ability of couples to engage in marital behaviors geared towards sustaining marital satisfaction --there's only so much time in a day.”

For the study, satisfaction in marriage was “measured” as “stability” and “being part of a team.” Satisfaction in the marriages was based on the Norton Quality of Marriage Index, which asks couples to respond to six statements about their relationship using “strongly agree” as the most positive reply and “strongly disagree” as the most negative reply. Some of the statements used are “All things considered, I am extremely happy with my relationship” to “I really feel like a part of a team with my partner.” (A full list of the Norton  questionnaire is below.)
Dainton says there are several qualities that are indicative of good communication between partners, such as being upbeat, reassuring, and serving as a sounding board for the spouse. It’s these behaviors that are reduced when children are introduced into the marriage, she said.  
“My study sought to determine whether this theory is true by analyzing the use of relationship maintenance behaviors among parents, non-parents, and parents whose children have left the home,” she said.

Marital satisfaction decreases for everyone over time, said Dainton, but she said parents experience even lower satisfaction than non-parents.

Data for the study was collected from 179 married people. The average age of those in the study was 41.7 years . The average length of the marriage was 15 years. The majority were in their first marriage There were 68 men (38%) and 111 women (62%).

In regards to parenthood, 24.6% of the sample had no children. Among those who had children, the average number of children was 2.29. Regarding the number of children living at home, 41.9% of the sample reported having no children living at home, with 30.2% reporting one child at home 21.2% reporting two children at home 4.5% reporting three children at home, and 1.1% reporting four children at home.

Here is the full list of behaviors that Dainton says help a marriage:
Positivity: being upbeat, cheerful, polite to each other; openness: self-disclosure, talking about private thoughts and feelings; assurances: reassuring partner of your love and commitment, also reassuring partner that you care about him/her; networks: relying on common family and friends; tasks: negotiating and sharing responsibilities (house work, child care, etc); conflict management: apologizing when wrong, seeking compromise, listening to other's point of view; advice: serve as a "sounding board" for the partner, providing support.

The Norton Index asked survey participants to gauge the following statements about their relationships:

• I think we have a good relationship.
• I think my relationship with my partner is very stable.
• I think our relationship is strong.
• My relationship with my partner makes me happy.
• I really feel like a part of a team with my partner.
• All things considered, I am extremely happy with my relationship.